i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
