Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
