No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
