happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
