The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
