I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize