Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
