I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i think i have two assholes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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