So many bounce houses so little time
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
