Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
