i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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