he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
