Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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