There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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