Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
