from now on my penis is your penis
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
