My entire life is one complicated drinking game
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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