Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
