Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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