Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
