Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
