I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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