If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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