I just cut my nipple shaving
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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