i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
