I will die if light touches me.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
