Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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