Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I AM VODKA MAN
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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