Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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