I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
