...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
