It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
