I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
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i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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