Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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