i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
