I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
