so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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