I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
