My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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