Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
