I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
