soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Still dying that you shit outside
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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