i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
