listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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