just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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