there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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