So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
