I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
