I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
