The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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