i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
