I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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