New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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