my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
