Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
