Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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